Lovers Remorse
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 29, 2002 A few months after my divorce I started seeing a friend of my ex-wife. She told me I really needed a person that would appreciate me. We had a great sex life, and she told me anytime was fine. I told her I never heard that before, but she said she was different. After a year she asked when we were going to buy a house. I said, "If you want to, we will." I used my money to buy the house, and our sex life changed as soon as we moved in. Her life is now centered around her young son from a previous marriage, and when he goes to bed, she goes to bed. This has been going on since we bought the house four years ago. We never would have bought the house if our relationship was like this before. Kennan Kennan, you knew how important a vital sexual relationship was for you. Some part of you sensed it was too good to be true. When you questioned her, she allayed your fears, but those fears have come to pass. Time complicated the situation. After four years your girlfriend is likely to feel nothing but anger when you confront her, but confront her you must. What really is the issue? Is it sex, or is there not enough love between the two of you for physical intimacy to be a natural part of your relationship? If there isn't a connection which allows intimacy, there isn't a connection which allows this relationship to continue. Tamara Breaking With Tradition I have a problem with my husband's grandmother. From the beginning, I welcomed and accepted his grandmother openly. I did not question her motives and accepted her for who she is. The problem is this woman is the source of gossip in the family and dwells on pitting my husband and his brother against each other in petty competitions. This carries over and includes the wives. I am a born-again Christian and the peacemaker in the family, and I am tired of it. I am tired of petty competitions like who gave the best birthday present. I told each and every woman the gossip must stop! Life is too short to spend on negative issues and fighting. How can I teach my children healthy conflict resolution if this woman continually hurts us and starts fights? She is in her 70s and too late to change I guess. Josee Josee, your desire to teach your children healthy conflict resolution is excellent. It is a much needed skill, but it assumes at least a minimal willingness on the part of the other person to play. Sometimes that just isn't the case. So it is with your husband's grandmother. She has been doing damage to her family for decades, and barring some profound event like a near-death experience, she isn't likely to change. Dealing effectively with her is more like housebreaking a puppy than conflict resolution. A behavioral approach is what is called for. Behaviorism has strong overtones of manipulation which we don't approve of, but with intractable behavior it can be the only answer. Perhaps you will choose to praise her when she makes positive comments, and remain silent and ignore negative comments. Or perhaps you will simply let her know you and your children will promptly leave in the presence of infighting or negative comparisons. Whatever you decide, keep to your plan as faithfully as if housebreaking a puppy. You might also look for a book on behavioral analysis, especially one dealing with the rules for shaping behavior. Many people marry into toxic families. Spending less time with them and more time with people who value what you value will make your life more enjoyable. Even more importantly, it will give your children the opportunity to see the difference between productive, mature behavior and its opposite. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Related News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Invest Your Inner Wealth
It started out like any other Wednesday - reports to type, telephones to answer, books to balance. When the clock finally struck 4:30 p.m., Lauren locked her desk and wearily made her way to the fast-food café where she waited on tables several evenings a week. As a single mother struggling to make ends meet, Lauren's days were an endless blur of typewriters, ringing telephones and demanding children.
Leadership Coaching ? Easier Said Than done
Recently at a Pharmaceutical meeting in Europe, one of the presenters shared the results of a recent study that demonstrated that Managers who were trained in Eight Step Coaching Skills were out selling DM's who were not trained in the program. This quantitative data seems to support that the cornerstone of success lies in effective leadership coaching and diagnosing the needs of the Representatives. However, it is not simply a matter of being trained. Managers must overcome day to day hurdles to be an effective coach. It takes a knowledge of the skills plus the courage to open up sensitive and important topics with others. It takes time, a precious commodity in a DM's week. It takes self-control over our emotions when someone doesn't measure up on an important mission that we, as Managers care about. When we coach, we run a risk of opening up conflict, differences, and misunderstandings that can create discomfort. In short, "coaching is easier said than done." But the results will be worth it if we are consistent and rigorous at using coaching skills.
Parts that Make the Whole? or Not
There are many parts that make up you.
Good, Good, Good, Good Intentions
I always do a lot of thinking about good intentions in December.
Coaching - An Adapting Tool For Attaining Fulfillment In The Global Economy
At a time when the global economy is bringing innovation, new ideas and new opportunities into the marketplace, outsourcing and the elimination of white-collar jobs has left many of us feeling anxious and insecure about the future. It is increasingly apparent that the American Worker can no longer look to the corporation for a sense of security, place, benefits or loyalty. As reliance on old structures is diminishing, the following ways of looking at work are emerging:
Can I Be My Own ADD Coach?
Quite often I am in contact with people who discuss acting as an ADD Coach for their child or spouse. While supporting and helping loved ones with ADD is a great idea, acting as an ADD Coach really isn't a great idea. There is just way too much emotion involved and an ADD Coach needs to be far enough removed from the situation to be an effective ADD Coach.
Poise, Posture, and Performance
Good posture is seen to have many advantages. From an aesthetic point of view it can enhance image, sending out the right signals (body language). For an athlete it is seen to be essential. But what is a good posture? We recognise poor posture when we see it, as it is evident in the majority of adults regardless of athletic ability. But just to confuse the matter, people with an ideal 'plumb-line' posture can also have poor movement patterns. This is because it is not the shape that is important but how it is maintained. An apparent 'good' posture can be achieved with totally inappropriate muscular activity.
Surviving the Workday in Your Organization
Most people suffer from stress at some time during the day. When you recognise your own peak and low energy levels, you can work with your body clock to maintain high productivity and alertness. It makes sense to tackle the hardest tasks at high-energy times, and when you're feeling low, do simpler tasks like sorting the mail or filing. If you force yourself to do difficult tasks when your energy is low, you'll take much longer to finish them.
Overcoming Work Addiction
Why are you so busy? Do you really have too much work? Is work so important to you that you'll sacrifice just about anything in your life to get the job done? Even if it's at the expense of your health and your relationships?
Control, Helplessness, and Love
During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others' feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.
Choosing The Perfect Coach
So, you're ready to start coaching. You either have some issues that you think a coach can help you overcome, or you just think it's time for a quality of life tune-up. You've reviewed your budget and set aside some money to cover the fees and you've ascertained that you are reasonably free of any serious mental or emotional issues that might interfere with the process. But now comes the big question: "How can I find a coach that's right for me?"
Whats Wrong with Life Coaching?
As a Life Coach I quickly identified most individuals wanted to achieve a particular goal or ambition and tried it themselves without success, and unfortunatley were still reluctant to get any help. So, I started 'A Life Coaching' a company which provides individuals with the tools, skills and processes to Life Coach themselves. (Free sample multi media below.)
The Right Coach
Who is the Best Coach For Achieving Your Goals?
Executive Coaching -The Business Benefits
Executive coaching is an investment for you and your business and you need to understand what returns you will get. How exactly will you benefit from it?
Why Don?t You Just Stuff It ALL?
You got busy at work, got busy in your marriage, got busy with your home and maybe your kids and before you knew it... a chunk of your life had slipped away.
Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life
To keep at the top of your game you have to keep a clear head. You can't afford to fill up on news and negativity. The world's overflowin' with it and the only way to be a winner is to be in control of your thoughts.
What Is Executive Presence?
Often our clients refer someone to us for Executive Coaching with a glowing description such as "This is one of our most valued and brilliant employees ?. But ?. he or she needs "Executive Presence", or as one client said "He's so low-key he's invisible. Give him "Executive Swagger".
How to Slow Your Spinning Mind
Have you ever laid in bed trying to fall asleep, but your mind keeps spinning with all the things you need to do? Your thoughts just keep ticking?
Worth Waiting For
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 22, 2002
The Pitfalls of Procrastination
We all put off making decisions and taking action sometimes (yes, me too). It's okay to do that occasionally but if you are a regular pontificator then it will constantly cause you pain, even if you aren't aware of it. By putting things off on a regular basis you hold yourself back and instead of progressing in your life, you'll regress.
|
